Random musings...

I love Bob. He's one of the best friends a girl could have.

I just got back from hanging out with him. I needed to. There is something about Bob where, when I'm stressed and feel as if my life is a whirlwind of activity, within a few minutes of being in his presence, I feel more peaceful. I don't know how to explain it. Bob has a great perspective on things. In the moments when my focus has been closer than an atomic microscope studying atoms, Bob lets me know, very gently, that perhaps I need to take a step back. What can I say, it's good to bask in his aura and play guitar groupie. Bob is truly one of the best friends I could ask for.

Anyway, I told him my life is so crazy sometimes...that this is why I don't date anyone seriously.

You are probably asking yourself "What the heck is Michelle talking about???"

Let me back up a bit.

This is going to be a bit of a roundabout story. I might not seem as if I'm writing in a coherent pattern. Just stick with me here.

Mom and I were on our way back to her house when I thought I might check the messages on my home answering machine. Can you imagine the shock when I listened to my messages and heard one from an Oprah Winfrey producer asking me to call her back in reference to a letter I'd written them over a year ago???

To be honest, I thought she was calling me back in regards to my suggestion that they do a show on herpes. Imagine my surprise when I was advised that the call was about a letter I'd written to them about Barry Manilow over a year ago!

Let me explain...

I won a trip to Australia from WDRQ last year (You can read the blog from my Australia trip at: http://pureimaginari.blogspot.com ). To enter the contest, you had to write about the one thing in life you most regretted, the one thing you would change if you could. I believe life is too short to live with regret. And I don't I've ever done or anything that has ever happened to me(even having herpes)...save for one incident that happened to me many years ago.

My regret as it relates to Barry Manilow is a flashbulb moment, to be sure. What do I mean by that? The best definition I've found came from a Near-Death Experience research study located at: http://www.near-death.com/experiences/experts101.html

"Flashbulb moments are times when the brain takes a picture of a particular instance; usually occurring in times of heightened sensory and emotional input or life-threatening moments. These memories are then ingrained in the brain and the person can recall the event like it happened yesterday."

So what happened?

I had the chance to sing with Barry Manilow on stage at the Fox Theatre, and didn't.

It's the same old excuse. I was young, in love...with my very first love, and very stupid.

At each concert I've been to, Barry chooses one member of the audience to join him on stage and sing, 'Can't Smile Without You". I didn't know that at the time. This was my very first Barry Manilow concert. My Mom bought the tickets as a very early birthday/christmas gift and we'd planned to go together. Then I met Stuart. I wanted to share my love of Barry's music with him, so I invited Stuart to go with me. BIG MISTAKE.

If I think about it, I can remember it like it was yesterday. We were seated, I think, in the 21st row. When Barry asked for volunteers, I stood up. I was so excited...even more so when it seemed as if Barry was motioning for me to join him on stage! I was *so* excited. I am 100% proof positive, willing to bet my soul on that...that Barry was motioning for me to join him on stage. Stuart was positive Barry wanted me up there as well. Stuart told me, if I went up on stage, he would leave that moment, he would leave me in Detroit to find my own way home.

I was young, in love...and stupid. I sat down. A woman just a few seats away went up instead.

You might think that there's no way to be certain I would have been the one. All I can say is I KNOW. I KNOW it would have been me. So did Stuart, otherwise he would never have said what he did.

What I regret most is that I made the decision to sit down. I pinpoint that very moment as my slow descent into what turned out to be a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. Instead of doing what I wanted, following my heart, being the bubbly, vibrant person I am...I gave up what I wanted to please someone else. It was a pattern in my relationship with Stuart. I was never good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough... Stuart would walk around pointing out women with huge breasts saying, "Ooo...look at the tits on her", or "If you ever get as fat as that I'll dump you."

Of all the signs of verbal and emotional abuse listed at this web site, All but five allpied to me. http://www.drirene.com/verbal1.htm

By the time the relationship was over, I'd changed myself in so many ways to make Stuart happy and to try to make the relationship work...that I didn't know who *I* was anymore. Even today, I know that there is a marked difference how I act with people who knew me before Stuart, and the people I spend time with in the years since that relationship ended. The people who knew me before know me to be much more bubbly, vibrant...I don't know how to adequately describe what I am trying to say. I don't know how to make you understand. I'm not emotionally damaged by any means. I don't let another person define me. I would never do that again.

I hope I am making sense here. It's not easy to write about this. What happened with Stuart is long over. I don't really blame him anymore, as I ultimately made the decision to sit down. I was in an abusive relationship, and I take responsibility for my actions and decisions. I am well over what happened. I've recovered emotionally.

I have to visit the past in order to explain why not going up on stage is my one regret. My regret is that I didn't go up on stage, not only because I missed my chance to sing with Barry, but also for the reason I lost myself for a very long time. It took another 'very long time' to find my way back again.

That is my flashbulb moment. I do remember it like it was yesterday.

Back to the part about a producer from Oprah Winfrey calling me... This was an 'OH MY GAWD!' moment. You see, I almost didn't enter the radio station contest where I won that trip to Australia. I left it up on my computer for two days before finally entering. I figured, if the idea of entering was bothering me so much, I might as well write the 150 word essay and get it over with. I also frequent Oprah's site, and there was a spot where you could submit your story for consideration. So...I wrote Oprah about making my dream come true...having another chance to sing with Barry Manilow. I wanted a 'do-over'.

I didn't expect to win the contest...and I never expected a member of Oprah's staff to call me. Who'da thunk that both of these things would happen? Certainly at that time, not me.

The producer wants me to send in my photo. I've done that... Now I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens. My fingers are crossed...but either way, this has been a very exciting experience. Even if I never get to meet Barry Manilow...I got called by a producer from Oprah. How cool is that? How many people can say that?

Going back to Bob for a moment...

When I said that..how I'm afraid to date because I'm worry that any man would be put off by being involved with a woman for whom each day seems to be a different drama. My life seems like a roller coaster sometimes. Last week was the incident at the doctor's office. Tuesday, I went back to get proof of what happened on my digital recorder. Friday, one of Oprah's producers calls. That's only one week.

Bob said to me, "Michelle, you're not a drama queen. Far from it. Things just seem to happen to you. Your life is surreal sometimes. There's nothing wrong with that. You're a wonderful woman and any man would be lucky to have you."

That man is good for my self-esteem. *SMILE*

I do have to say, before I end this...while my one regret is a bit complicated, not just about Barry Manilow but my decisions and the consequences of those decisions back then...I do not regret for one moment how my life has turned out. Not one bit. I am blessed to have met all the wonderful people in the "H" community, and I believe that I am where I am meant to be at this moment. Though...a little over a year from now, watch out Chicago! I'm gonna have my Bachelor degree, I'll be near all the talent agencies so I can focus more on getting voice work, and I will be where I need to be to find work in the entertainment industry (promotions/public relations). All things in due time.

When I know what is going on one way or the other with 'The Oprah Winfrey Show', I'll be sure to let you know!

Love to all!

~ Michelle

Life is comprised of the myriad of minute interpersonal interactions that occur throughout the day, not the major decisions we make from time to time. Yet, we thoughtfully agonize over major decisions, but give virtually no thought to the second-by-second exchanges. They are left to "automatic pilot," and are executed without logic, choice or consideration of personal responsibility.
- Dr. Irene